


Sessions 4

by Grey (grey853)



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Series: Sessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 00:11:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey853/pseuds/Grey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair seeks help to cope with his near death experience and his changing  relationship with Jim.<br/>This story is a sequel to Sessions 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sessions 4

## Sessions 4

by Grey

Author's webpage: <http://grey.ravenshadow.net/>

Series/Sequel: Yes. This is the fourth in the Sessions Series. 

Disclaimer: Not mine. 

Summary: Blair seeks help to cope with his troubled relationship with Jim and his problems at the university. 

Notes: Thanks to Jenn aka XFreak for her constant support. 

Warnings: This story has major spoilers for the third and fourth seasons. 

* * *

Sessions 4  
by Grey 

Jim eyed the powdered doughnuts on the table with suspicion. "Okay, Sandburg. Where's the body?" 

"What body?" 

"The one you want me to hide." 

Blair smirked. "Funny, Jim. A guy brings you a simple dessert and you automatically think he's got ulterior motives." 

"I'm a cop. It's second nature. Besides, you're always warning me off too many sweets. Why the change of heart?" 

"Just thought you'd like some, that's all." 

"Riiight." Picking up one of the doughnuts, he took a big bite, the white sugar coating his lips. " _Damn_ , these are good." 

Laughing, Blair poured some coffee and pushed back his hair. "You're welcome. I got them over at the new bakery by the hospital." 

"You had a session today, right?" 

"Yeah. So?" 

"So, nothing. I just asked. Don't be so defensive." 

"Sorry." Blair sighed and brought the mugs to the table, handing one to Jim and sipping the other. 

Finishing the doughnut, Jim washed it down with a healthy dose of fresh caffeine. "So, you want to tell me the real reason you bought the doughnuts?" 

Blair walked into the living area and sat down on the sofa, putting his mug on the table before settling back. "It was impulse. No big deal." 

"Okay. So what's wrong?" 

"Nothing's wrong. Why does something have to be wrong?" 

Cleaning his hands and mouth first, Jim left his cup on the table and went to sit next to Blair. He put his arm on the back of the couch behind Blair. "I can tell something's bugging you, so you might as well spill it." 

"You're annoying sometimes, you know that?" 

"It's been suggested on occasion." 

Blair took a deep breath. "I didn't mean to tell you this way." 

"Tell me what?" 

"You have to promise not to go crazy." 

"I'm going crazy waiting for you to tell me." 

"Promise." 

Frowning, Jim took a deep breath to calm himself. "How can you ask me to promise if I don't know what you're going to say?" 

"Trust me." 

"Shit. I hate when you do this. Just tell me what the fuck happened." 

"I knew you'd get upset." 

Jim closed his eyes and prayed for more patience. "Sandburg..." 

"Something happened at the station. I should've told you right away, but I sort of panicked." 

Brow furrowed, Jim touched his shoulder, his mind racing with worry. "What the hell happened?" 

"It was a note. Someone put it in my backpack. I burned it though." 

"What kind of note?" 

"One of those generic you're a faggot Jew and we hate your ass notes." 

"Fuck." 

"Yeah, I know. That was sort of my reaction, too." 

Jim shook his head, bewildered. "Why did you burn it?" 

"I was afraid if you saw it, you'd go nuts and do something stupid." 

"Stupid? You mean like pulverizing the son of a bitch who wrote it?" 

"Yeah, something like that." 

Standing up, anger swelling, Jim paced several times. "It's bound to be Tate." 

"Or Booker." 

Jim stopped and stared, all his muscles tensing just under the skin. "What else aren't you telling me?" 

"Booker's said a few things, too." 

"What things?" 

Uncomfortable, Blair sat forward, his hair falling like a veil around his face. "It's like every time I come in the room, he's making fag jokes or making comments about gays. It's nothing specific towards me or you, but it's just that undercurrent of hostility that he and Tate give off." 

"Why didn't you say something?" 

"It's not like you haven't heard the same thing a hundred times, man. It's hard to know if it's directed at us or if I'm just more sensitive about it now that there is an us." 

"That's bullshit." 

Blair glanced up and met angry blue eyes. "What?" 

"I said that's bullshit. Why did you burn the letter? Why didn't you trust me to handle it?" 

Wrapping his arms around his belly, Blair shrugged and looked away. "I don't know. It was wrong. I know that now, but at the time I was just afraid of how you'd react." 

"You knew I'd be pissed, but so what? You should be pissed, too." When Blair didn't answer, Jim settled back down beside him, his voice no longer upset, but softened with concern. "What's going on in that head of yours, Chief? What are you thinking right now?" 

"That I fucked up. I'm sorry." 

Jim palmed his shoulder and then rubbed gently. "It's okay. I think I understand what you were thinking." 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah. You didn't want me to get suspended. And you're right. I probably would've gone off." 

Blair slipped sideways and relaxed into Jim's arms as he closed his eyes. "That's part of it." 

"What's the other part?" 

"I just couldn't deal with it." 

Resting his chin on the top of his lover's head as he petted his curls, Jim sighed. "You shouldn't have to deal with it and certainly not alone." 

In a hoarse voice, Blair whispered, "But I do." 

"What are you talking about? I'm in this, too." 

"I know." Blair took Jim's comforting hand and held it to his chest. "It's just that some of the shit that's going on, I have to deal with alone." 

"Like what?" 

"Like school, like my own insecurities, my own fears. I mean, there are some things you just can't fix with a kiss." 

"And what a damn shame." Jim kissed the top of his head and then squeezed him gently. "Okay, I get what you're saying, but that doesn't change the fact that there are some things you don't have to do alone and dealing with assholes like Tate and Booker is one of them." 

"But what can we do?" 

"Well, for one thing, I'm going to tell Simon." 

"You mean lodge a formal complaint?" 

"We don't have the letter, so no. But he needs to know. Second, I'm going to make Tate and Booker both understand that if any more shit goes down, they're going to be dealing with both of us." 

"You want to come out?" 

"I didn't say that. I just said I'd put them on notice that the anti-gay shit doesn't fly and that any personal attacks in the future won't be ignored." 

"You make it sound so simple." 

"It's anything but simple, but it's something that's got to be done. If we don't head it off now, if we do come out, it could be a disaster." 

Blair sat up and pulled away. "Are you really thinking about coming out?" 

Caressing his face, Jim relished the sweet heat of his heavy whiskers. "I've been thinking about it ever since the beginning. Secrets like this can blow up in a man's face. We've got the sentinel thing over our heads. We don't need this, too." 

"So, what are you saying, that we should say something soon?" 

"I'm saying that when the right time comes, we'll deal with it." 

"Couldn't we just fly off somewhere and sleep for a couple of decades?" 

Jim snorted in amusement. "The way you sleep? Not very likely." 

Toying with Jim's buttons, Blair teased. "Well, we could spend the time other ways, man." 

"There is that." Jim lifted Blair's chin and relished his eyes, the deep blue surrounding the black pupil. Leaning down, he captured full lips and sucked in the eager tongue slipping between his own. The coffee flavor mixed with Blair's own unique richness, the sweet invitation bringing his cock to attention. 

Strong hands guided him on his back and Blair lay on top, his body pressing him down, his groin grinding with need. Lifting his head, Blair whispered, "You want to go upstairs and do this right?" 

"You expect me to walk?" 

"There's always the floor." 

"Ah, the optimism of youth." Shifting, Jim took Blair's offered hand as he sat up and they both headed upstairs, the complaints shooting up from his crotch and his backside. 

Both men stripped with record speed before Jim lay back and pulled a naked Blair on top of his body. Stretched out, pressed down, Jim groaned with a delicious ache throbbing through his balls as fiery cocks rubbed against one another. "You feel so damn good, babe." 

Instead of answering, Blair used both hands to hold Jim's head as he kissed him, his tongue ravaging his mouth. Urgently, he bucked his groin against Jim, using his knees to spread the older man's thighs, his hips rotating and thrusting to make more intense contact. 

Head falling back, eyes closed, Jim gasped for air as Blair licked and suckled his neck with an unusual roughness. Rhythmic rocking concentrated the heated waves through his middle, Jim's back strained as he matched the frantic dance of his partner. Without warning, his body shuddered with coming, his release swallowing him whole, an explosion of golden flashes behind squeezed lids. 

Blair's final thrusts shook his world, his lover's labored breathing halted as he moaned deeply. Wrapping his arms around Blair, he waited for revival, the musky sweat itchy and Blair's beard rubbing his chest as he sagged against him, exhausted and limp. 

"Jesus, Jim." 

Smug, Blair still slumped on top, Jim hugged him harder and then reached down to pull up the sheets to cover them both. "I think that's what they call a quickie, Chief." 

"Quickie, hell. Damn, that felt good." 

"Yeah, it did." Jim stroked his damp skin, lazily drawing his fingers up Blair's spine and then down again, taking in the subtle shivers when he touched the small of his back. 

Blair lifted his head and met Jim's loving gaze. "We're good together, Jim." 

Cupping his partner's cheek, Jim smiled. "Yeah, babe, we are." Straining his neck, he kissed Blair's mouth as the younger man slid sideways into the space beside him. Snuggling in closer, his leg possessively lying over Jim's thighs, Blair closed his eyes and sighed in contentment. 

After a few moments of quiet, their heartbeats slowly returning to normal, Jim whispered, "So, you want to tell me what that was really all about?" 

"Uhm?" 

"Why the urgency?" 

Blair stiffened in his arms, his voice tense. "You didn't like it?" 

"Of course, I liked it. I'm not saying that. It's just you've never been quite that needy before. What's going on?" 

Jerking away, Blair sat up and pushed his hair back. He pulled up the covers and shook his head in disbelief. "Why do you always have to do that?" 

"Do what?" 

"Question everything." 

Confused, Jim studied his lover's sad features as he got up to sit beside him. "Why are you so upset?" 

"I love you. I just wanted to show it." 

"I'm not questioning that." 

"Sounds like it." 

"Well, I'm not." 

Jim reached out to cup his face only to have Blair shove his hand away. "Don't." 

"Come on, Chief. Don't be like that. Tell me what's really bothering you." 

Crossing his arms tightly around his chest, Blair closed his eyes, his voice stretching the words. "I've got so much going on in my head, man. I get really fucked up sometimes." 

Venturing another touch, Jim edged closer, teasing his fingers along the back of his neck. Blair didn't move away and allowed it. Wrapping his lover in his arms, Jim pulled him closer, his lips next to his ear. "I love you, fucked up or not." 

"I know." 

Moments passed in silence before Blair finally swallowed hard and spoke quietly. "I didn't mean to use you like that." 

"Use me?" 

"Yeah. I wanted you and when we're together like that, I don't have to think so much." 

Nuzzling Blair's neck, Jim hugged him. Less tense, Blair eased back as Jim feathered kisses down his throat to his bare chest. Jim licked the salty skin and then lifted his head as he teased Blair's slippery cock with his free hand. "Use me anytime you want, but let me return the favor." 

Blair captured his face with both hands and guided him to his newfound erection, Jim's mouth swallowing all danger of confession for the moment. 

* * *

"Where are we on the Chambers case?" Simon lit his cigar and dropped the lighter on the desk as he sat back, his dark eyes focused on Jim. 

"About the same place we were a week ago. Nowhere." 

"That's not true. We've got the DNA samples back." 

"And no matches." 

Sighing, Simon shook his head. "I know it's frustrating, Jim, but I still can't authorize bringing in Chancellor Edwards. Even with all the forensics, there's nothing to tie her to the case except that Chambers worked for the university and she's a friend to the wife." 

"Then give the case to someone else. You don't need me on this. Give it to someone who doesn't mind sitting around with his finger up his ass." 

Clearing his throat and grimacing at the harshness of the words, Simon rubbed the back of his head. "You've had tough cases before. What's so different about this one? Find another lead, that's all." 

"That's easy to say, but not so easy to do when politicians tie your hands." 

"You want to tell me what's really bugging you?" 

"What's bugging me is that I can't find a single person to tell me what really went on that night." 

"Come on, man, talk to me. You've been edgy for days now and it's got nothing to do with this case. What's going on? Is this about that thing with Booker and Tate?" 

Jim's expression hardened as he crossed his arms and turned to the window. "They're assholes." 

"Well, yeah. We both know that, but they know the deal now. I let them and everyone else know that harassment won't be tolerated." 

"But they denied it." 

"Well, maybe if they do it next time, Sandburg won't destroy the evidence and I'll have something to get rid of them." 

"If they do it next time, I'll kick their asses." 

"And accomplish what?" 

"You don't know what it's like, the way it gnaws at you." 

Simon snorted and poured some coffee. "I'm black, Jim. Of course, I know what it's like." 

Turning, his face even more tense, Jim nodded in terrible recognition. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that." 

"I know you didn't. You want something to drink?" 

"No, I want to tear their fucking heads off. I can hear them laughing, hear their sick remarks, but I can't do anything about it." 

"And even if you could, you can't change their thinking with violence. It's more complicated than that and you know it." Simon paused as he lifted his mug to his lips, his eyes focused briefly on the past. "Still, I can understand the desire to beat the shit out of bigots." 

"It's not just about me, Simon. It's what they say about Blair. It scares me to think he'd ever have to hear this shit." 

"I'm pretty sure he already has, but he's stronger than you think." 

"Not lately. He's worn down. This case, school, this whole mess with the harassment, it's not making things any easier for him." 

Simon stood up and walked around to the conference table, motioning for Jim to sit in the chair across from him. "I thought you said things were getting better." 

"They were, but now he's started having nightmares again. He's even more jumpy than before. I think there's something else going on, but he won't tell me. I don't know what to do to fix it." 

"Is he still seeing a shrink?" 

"Yeah." Jim wiped his face with his right hand, his eyes closed briefly. "To tell you the truth, he's worse when he comes back from a session." 

"Worse? How?" 

"Nervous. He doesn't want to talk. He just wants to fuck and not think about things." Jim halted suddenly, his face flushed. "Sorry. Too much information." 

Simon shrugged with a smile, his voice teasing. "Well, he can't be too tired if he keeps coming back for more." 

Jim grinned sheepishly. "There is that." 

His face more serious, Simon leaned in. "Look, give the kid a chance to figure things out for himself. He's going through a lot of changes in his life right now, almost dying, getting together with you, this whole school business. It's bound to have rocked his world. I'd be surprised if he didn't act crazy considering he's always been a little different." 

"A little?" 

"You know what I mean. We're used to dealing with a lot of shit at once. He's not. He just needs time to adjust." 

Reluctantly, Jim nodded in agreement. "I just wish I could make it easier." 

"You do, Jim. You're there." 

Sitting back, Jim pinched the bridge of his nose, the constant ache down his neck into his shoulders sapping his energy. "I try to be, but he's shutting me out." 

"Shutting you out? How?" 

"It's hard to explain. I just have a feeling there's something else going on that he's not telling me about. Call it a gut instinct." 

"You're a great cop, but you can't use the same approach to a relationship." 

"What?" 

"I mean you have to trust him. Let him figure out what he has to on his own." 

"It's just hard to stand by when I see him having such a tough time." 

"He loves you, Jim. Bottom line, that's all that really matters." 

* * *

"Hey, Blair. Got a minute?" 

Looking up from his magazine, Blair nodded and took off his glasses. "Sure, Jake. Come on in." 

"What are you doing?" 

"Just making some notes on Eli's latest paper." 

Jake picked up the magazine and scanned the pages as he sat down in the chair across from Blair's. "How did I miss a new one by Stoddard?" 

"I didn't say it was new, just the latest. I'm running a little behind. I thought I should include his statistics in my next lecture." 

"Oh, yeah, he's always a reliable source." Jake looked up and paused as he frowned. "You okay?" 

"Just a little tired." 

"No offense, man, but you look more than a little tired. You look like shit." Handing the magazine back, he sat back, his green eyes narrowed and aimed at Blair. 

"I just haven't been sleeping." 

"Thought you were over that." 

"I was, but it's back." Blair blinked several times to clear his vision and then stretched his stiff neck. "I've just had a lot on my mind, that's all." 

"The Chambers thing?" 

"Yeah, among other things." 

"Want to talk about it?" 

Blair stared up at his friend, his handsome, concerned features distracting. "Not really. Look, did you need something?" 

"I thought maybe we could get together tonight to go over the paper you said you'd help me with." 

"Paper?" 

"Yeah, you know, the one about researching and validating obscure texts and resources. I told you about it a couple of weeks ago. It's for Grant's methodology class." 

"I forgot about that." 

"You said you'd give me some ideas based on the Sentinel research you've done." 

Vaguely remembering the conversation, Blair rubbed his throbbing temple. "Sure, I can do that. In fact, I think I've already got a list started on a disk somewhere." 

"I thought maybe we could have dinner first. My treat." 

Glancing over, Blair noted the eager face, the green eyes bright with anticipation. "You don't have to buy me dinner, man." 

"I want to. I don't think Jim's feeding you lately." 

Startled at the reference to his partner, Blair snapped, "What's that supposed to mean?" 

"It means you're losing weight, my friend." The frown switched to a grin. "Besides, I've got this buddy who works over at Grassi's and I can make sure we get a great meal for half price. Come on, Blair. You never turn down free food. It's part of the graduate student's code of honor." 

"What about the paper?" 

"We'll work on it at my place right after. Jim won't mind, right?" 

Dropping his gaze to the magazine on his desk, the words blurred. "Jim doesn't run my life, Jake." 

"Good. I'll pick you up at the loft around six. We'll have an early meal and then go back to my place. It'll be like old times." 

Hesitating, his throat dry, Blair fiddled with the glasses lying on his desk. "I need to call Jim first. He might have other plans." 

Jake shrugged and got up, his tone suddenly strained. "I thought you said he didn't run your life." 

"He doesn't." 

"Then why can't you just make plans on your own?" Before Blair answered, Jake leaned in, his arms braced on the desk. His scent washed the air, thick musk with a spicy edge. "Look, it's no big deal. It's just that we haven't done anything together for months. I miss you, man." 

"I know. I'm sorry." Pushing his hair back in frustration, Blair shook his head. "I've been so caught up in my own life, I've been a real shit to my friends lately." 

"Then change that. Let me take you out to dinner." 

Sitting back, still avoiding Jake's intense gaze, Blair took a deep breath. "Sure. Why not?" 

"Great." 

"But I'll meet you there. I need to go home and get the disk with the info for the paper." 

Jake smiled and stood up straight. "Better yet, come by my place and we'll take my car to the restaurant. We can save gas that way." 

"Sure. That'll work." 

Nodding, Jake stepped to the door. "By the way, I've got a new CD I want you to hear. It's aboriginal chants from Australia. A friend of mine recorded it and sent me a free copy. I thought of you when I first heard it." 

"Sounds good." 

"See you then, man." Jake shut the door, his quick absence leaving the office suddenly too quiet. 

Getting up, Blair moved to the window, his chest tight, the air way too thin as he whispered, "What the fuck am I doing?" 

* * *

Jim put the bag of groceries near the sink and frowned. "What's going on?" 

"I tried calling the station. Joel said you were out with a witness." 

"You didn't answer my question." 

Blair took his leather coat off the rack. "I'm going out." 

"Out?" 

"Yeah." 

Eying the tight jeans and blue silk shirt under Blair's gray wool jacket, Jim leaned back against the sink and crossed his arms, alarms screaming inside his head. "Out where?" 

The younger man slipped on his black leather coat and then freed his hair from the tug of the collar, the curls dark and springy. "I promised I'd help Jake with this paper on documenting obscure resources." 

"Jake Ragland?" 

"Yeah, you met him." 

Remembering the handsome young friend, Jim gritted his teeth, his head throbbing at the temples. "What about dinner?" 

"We'll grab something later. Don't worry about it." 

"I was going to fix something here, just the two of us." 

Blair glanced over at the groceries. "I'm sorry, man. I should've left a message." 

"Yeah, you should've." 

Blair's tone tightened. "What's your problem?" 

"You tell me. You're the one dressed up to go out." 

"What?" 

"You heard me." 

Holding up a hand, Blair shook his head. "I don't want a fight, man." 

"Then stay home." 

"I can't." 

"You mean you won't." 

Sighing, Blair stepped to the door, his back to Jim. "He's a friend, Jim. You don't have to be an asshole because I still want to see my friends." 

"This isn't about seeing your friends and you know it." 

"What I know is you're acting like a jealous boyfriend." 

More hurt than angry, Jim's voice softened. "Maybe I am. Maybe I worry that you think we made a mistake. Maybe I just think you're not sure what the fuck you want." 

"And maybe you should just back off and let me breathe for more than a goddamn minute." Blair took a deep breath and turned around, meeting Jim's gaze. "I'm sorry. I just need some time to myself, man." 

"Being with another man isn't time to yourself." 

Stepping closer, wrapping his arms around Jim's waist, Blair hugged him gently. "Don't be jealous, Jim. He's just a friend. Honest. He's been there for me. The least I can do is help him with this paper." 

Vision blurred as Jim blinked several times. Reluctantly, he relaxed into Blair's embrace. "I know you need a life beyond us. I do. You're just so vulnerable right now." 

"Vulnerable?" 

"Yeah. I don't want this Jake guy to take advantage of that." 

Pulling away, his face angry again, Blair shook his head and pushed back his hair. "You don't know him, Jim. He's not like that. Besides, give me some fucking credit. You think just because Jake's good looking, that you can't trust me?" 

"So you have noticed he's good looking." 

"I'm in therapy, Jim, not blind for christsakes. Shit. I don't believe this conversation." Blair stomped to the window, his face shadowed and his arms crossed. "If you can't trust me, then there's no point of us being together." 

"I do trust you. I just don't trust Ragland." 

"It's the same thing, man. No matter what anyone does, it's me who decides who I'm with." 

Swallowing hard, Jim stood stock still by the edge of the sofa, his gut twisted. "I know that. I'm sorry. It's just..." 

"Just what?" 

"He's part of a world you love, one where I'm the outsider. You share interests and you're close to the same age. I guess I just worry that in the long run, he's got more to offer." 

"He's also straight." 

Jim tilted his head, his face grim and deadly serious. "Not that straight." 

"What?" 

"You heard me. I met him, remember? He's in love with you and don't stand there and tell me you don't know that." 

Avoiding Jim's stare, Blair shrugged. "Yeah, I've suspected it." 

"Then tell him about us. Make him know he's got no chance." Jim's voice softened. "Make me know he's got no chance, Chief." 

"He already knows about us." 

"What?" 

"He guessed and I didn't deny it." 

"Fuck." 

"I meant to tell you." 

"Why didn't you?" 

"I don't know." 

Jim clenched his jaw and rubbed his face with one hand. After a few moments, he stepped to the kitchen and started putting the groceries away, his movements hard and jerky as he slammed the cabinet doors. "You're going to be late." 

Hesitating, Blair came to the edge of the kitchen and stood by the support beam, his arms still crossed. "Maybe I should cancel." 

"Do what you want." 

"Jim..." 

A fist hammered into the counter, the rage behind it barely contained. "You know I fucking hate head games, Sandburg. You want to fuck this guy, go do it. Just don't lie to yourself about why." 

"I don't want to fuck him." The words came out a strained whisper. 

"Then why put him in my face? I can't change what happened with Alex and the others, but don't fuck with me like this and try to get even. I can't stand it." Head down, Jim closed his eyes, his arms braced forward against the counter, his body shaking. 

"God, Jim, I'm not doing that." The world blotched with black and silver, Jim's lids squeezed shut. A hand touched his shoulder gently, another hand stroked his cheek. "I love you." 

"I can't lose you, Blair." 

"You won't." 

"Stay home." 

"I'm not going anywhere." The air buckled and Jim stood as Blair took him in his arms to kiss him, his eager tongue promising and urgent. 

* * *

"What the hell happened?" Jake stood in the doorway, his face a blend of concern and disappointment. 

"Didn't you get my message?" 

Stepping inside, Jake shut the door. "A quick can't make it on the answering machine is shit, Blair, and you know it. What's going on?" 

Uneasy, Blair reached into his backpack and drew out a disk and a folder. "Nothing's going on, Jake. I just got busy. I made hard copies of my notes and here's a disk with some references. That should be enough to help with the paper." 

Jake made no effort to take the offered materials and walked to the window, his voice tight. "Jim found out, right? He made you cancel." 

"Jim's got nothing to do with this. I decided it was probably best for both of us if I didn't show up last night." 

Crossing his arms and turning, Jake sat down on the edge of the low bookshelf. "And why's that?" 

"I think you know." 

"Maybe you should tell me." 

Blair bit his lower lip and shrugged as he put the papers and disk on his desk before sitting down. "You know Jim and I are a couple now." 

"What's that got to do with going out with me?" 

"This is hard to say." 

"What is?" 

Toying with the edges of the magazine on his desk, Blair refused to look up. "I might be reading it all wrong, but I got the feeling you wanted more than dinner and help on a paper last night." 

"Yeah. I wanted us to hang out like we used to. We're friends, remember? What the fuck's wrong with that?" 

"Nothing, if that's all it was." 

"What did you think it was?" 

"I don't know." 

Jake shook his head and frowned, his face still twisted with anger. "You think I wanted to seduce you?" 

"The thought crossed my mind, yeah." 

"Don't flatter yourself." 

"Oh, man." Blair covered his eyes with his hand, his face flushed with embarrassment. "I'm sorry." 

"You should be. Why the fuck would I make a move on you now? You think just because I know you're gay, you're suddenly more attractive?" 

"I don't know what I was thinking." 

Jake stood up and moved to sit in the chair across from Blair's desk, leaning in, his elbows braced on his knees. He cleared his throat and then took a deep breath, suddenly more nervous. "Listen, confession time. Whatever you thought might happen last night would only have happened if you'd wanted it." 

Blair's head jerked up. "What?" 

"You heard me. I am attracted to you, always have been." 

"Fuck, Jake. Why didn't you say something?" 

"I was with someone else before and when I wasn't, you were all caught up with Jim this and Jim that. The time just never presented itself." 

"And now?" 

"And now, let's just say, I'm not the only one giving off signals." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Be honest, man. You're not sure about this thing with you and Jim. I just thought I'd give you some options, sort of a last ditch effort on my part." 

Blair stood up, stunned, his heart racing as he paced the small office. "Options? What the fuck are you talking about? I love Jim. I thought you understood that." 

"Then why the flirting?" 

"Flirting?" 

"Don't deny it. Ever since you started fucking Jim, you've been looking at me differently." 

"Differently?" 

"Like you're hungry. There's more than one entree on the menu, Blair. You should at least try a few before you settle for just one." 

"Oh, man, you're so wrong here." 

"Am I?" 

"The thing with Jim isn't about sex." 

"But that's part of it." 

"Well, yeah, but that's got nothing to do with my feelings for him or for you." 

Jake got up and moved in closer, his body only a few inches from Blair's, his hands on the smaller man's shoulders. He spoke in a seductive hush, his words soft and sultry. "Are you saying you don't find me the least bit attractive? If you say no, I'll know you're a damn liar." 

Pushing him away, Blair turned and stepped to the other side of his office, the air straining his lungs. "I'm sorry if you thought I was leading you on. I didn't mean to do that. I'm just a little confused right now. I don't want to lose you as a friend, but anything else, well, that just can't happen." 

"Not while Jim's around." 

"This isn't about Jim." 

"Everything's about Jim. That's the whole goddamn problem. You don't have a fucking life without him anymore." 

"That's not true." 

Jake snorted, his voice suddenly harsh and hurtful. "You've adopted his world, man. And for what? Misery? What the fuck have you got now? You were almost killed because of him. You still could be. Get out while you still can, Blair. Get out before you've got no place to come back to." 

"You don't understand, Jake. I love him." 

"But is he willing to give up his world for you?" 

"He doesn't have to." 

"My point exactly." 

* * *

"You seem a bit anxious. Has something happened?" 

Blair paced the doctor's office, his hands wrapped tightly around his middle, his mind whirling and unsettled. Jim's mournful expression played over in his head and his stomach cringed at his close call with betrayal. "I fucked up." 

"Can you be more specific?" 

Before he answered, Blair stopped and then sat stiffly down in the chair across from Logan's desk. He pushed his hair back and swallowed hard, stealing himself for confession. "You asked me last time why I didn't tell Jim about Jake and I couldn't answer." 

"And you can now?" 

"I think it was because I secretly liked the idea that someone else wanted me." 

"You were flattered." 

"Yeah, and tempted." 

"Tempted to cheat on Jim?" 

"Yeah." 

"And did you?" 

"Almost." Blair shuddered and sat back, his eyes closed briefly. "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I love Jim." 

"Do you think it was a test?" 

"A test?" Blair sat back up, puzzled by the question, not quite sure what Logan meant. "You mean like I was testing myself about how much I love him?" 

"No, more like a test on how much he loves you." 

"Shit. I hope not, but maybe. God, I'm such a prick." 

Logan flipped open a new pad, his movements precise and not overly dramatic. "Why don't you tell me about what really happened?" 

"I just told you, I almost cheated. Isn't that enough?" 

"How close is almost?" 

"Close enough. I told Jim I was going to work on a paper with Jake, but Jim got all bent out of shape, telling me that I really wanted to fuck Jake and that I was just doing it because he'd been with Alex and the others. He was so hurt." 

"Is that what you wanted?" 

"Fuck no. How can you ask me that?" 

"What did you want?" 

Anger gone, Blair slumped back and shook his head, his body cold, his muscles weak. "I'm not sure." 

"Think about it, Blair. Did you really want to be with Jake or did you want some kind of reaction from Jim?" 

"I told you, I don't know. I really don't." Scratching his head, Blair bit his lower lip, the flesh red and swollen from too much abuse. "And now Jake's pissed at me, too, and I don't blame him." 

"One thing at a time. What changed your mind about being unfaithful?" 

"Jim did. He told me to go fuck Jake, but I couldn't. I never really expected to, not really. It was just some kind of weird fantasy, the idea that some other guy could want me as much as Jim does." 

"When you say fantasy, do you mean sexual fantasy?" 

"Yeah." 

"So, your male sexual fantasies have expanded from Jim to others?" 

"You might say that, yeah." 

"How does that make you feel?" 

"Uncomfortable." 

"Why uncomfortable? Are you afraid of what that says about your sexuality?" 

Blair groaned softly in despair as he leaned forward again, his head down, his eyes closed. "Shit." 

"Blair, it's okay to have sexual feelings." 

"I know that. It's just I've never had these feelings before Jim. I thought it was just Jim, but it's not. I like thinking about men." 

"Jake included?" 

"Yeah, man. It's disconcerting. I guess I haven't accepted that part of me yet." 

"Is there any other reason why it bothers you?" 

"Like what?" 

"Like maybe you feel like you're being unfaithful to Jim just by thinking about other men in a sexual context?" 

"It's possible." Blair hesitated and then nodded reluctantly. "More than possible." 

"And because you have these feelings, do you think Jim might feel the same way, might have sexual fantasies about other men?" 

"Or women." 

"Or women. And how does that make you feel?" 

"Like I'm just one step from being alone again." 

"So you thought you'd take the first step and push Jim away before he had a chance to leave you?" 

"Is that what I was doing?" 

"That's what I'm asking you." Logan jotted notes as he spoke, his focus on Blair never wavering. 

Clasping his hands together, Blair tugged at his own mind, examined his own heart, and shook his head. "I didn't do that consciously." 

"What about subconsciously?" 

"Who the fuck knows? The thing is, I need to stop it. It's self-destructive and it doesn't do Jim any good, either. I told Jake nothing could happen. That's when he got pissed." 

"What did he say exactly?" 

"He says I'm losing myself in Jim's world. And he's right, but I don't care. If that's what it takes to be with Jim, to sacrifice my career and everything else I've worked for, then that's what I'll do." 

"Why do you think it's necessary to do that?" 

"Because we're from totally different worlds. He's meant to be a cop and I need to be with him. I can't seem to balance my life at the university with what we have to do when we're on a case." 

Leaning forward, his hands together on the desk, Logan probed harder. "Why do you feel so strongly that you have to be with Jim when he's working? You're a civilian. Frankly, I'm surprised you're allowed to be as involved with his cases as you are." 

Avoiding the intense gaze, Blair sat back, unsettled, but guarded. "I told you before, there are things I really can't explain. Just trust me, Jim needs to be a cop and I need to be with him." 

"And in the meantime, you agonize over your place in his world?" 

"It's my choice." 

"Yes, it is." Logan paused and then sat back, one hand holding the pen over the pad. "Speaking of his world, have you told him about the note you got at the station?" 

"Yeah. He wasn't happy, but we told Simon and he's taking care of it." 

"Do you think that will be the end of the harassment?" 

"I hope so. Besides, we've got more problems than that. We still haven't solved the Chambers murder and Jim's getting really frustrated." 

"You said before that when he gets frustrated, he sometimes takes that out on you. Has he done that?" 

"He's had his reasons to be surly." 

"I didn't ask that." 

"I know. I just don't want you to think Jim's a bad person. He's trying really hard to be supportive no matter how fucked up I act sometimes. Believe me, I'm not always an easy person to live with, either." 

"How's he being supportive?" 

Blair relaxed slightly, the fond memories heartening. "Little things. For one, he bought us a new oven mitt." 

"Oven mitt?" 

"Yeah, I kept burning myself with the old one. And then he brought home my favorite wine one night and we had a candlelight dinner that he fixed from scratch. You wouldn't know it to look at him, but he's really a romantic." 

"And you like that?" 

"Oh, yeah. Most of all, he just holds me and doesn't bitch when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming." 

Logan frowned and leaned forward again. "You're still having nightmares?" 

"They came back with a vengeance." 

"Are they the same as before?" 

"Not exactly." 

"What are you dreaming now?" 

Blair closed his eyes and shook his head, the fear swarming his belly. "They don't make any sense." 

"They might if you talked about them." 

"They're really crazy. They scare me." 

"Nightmares usually do. They also usually reflect what we're most afraid of." 

Wetting his lips, his throat dry, Blair strained to keep his voice steady. "I'm in the jungle. Lost. I see the panther. I follow it, but when we get to the temple, I'm too tired to follow it up the stone steps. I lie down." A cold sweat flooded his skin as he pushed back his hair and squeezed his eyes shut. "The panther comes back, but it's growling, hungry. I've never been afraid of the panther before, but this time I am. He wants me, all of me." Words failed him as Blair gripped the edges of the chair. 

"Blair, how do you know what the panther is thinking?" 

"Because it's got Jim's voice." 

"What else happens?" 

"The panther leaps over me and holds me down, licking me first, and then fucking me before eating me alive, the claws and the teeth tearing me to pieces, blood everywhere, pain all over my body. Jesus, it's twisted." 

Blair jerked back, startled when he heard Logan's voice by his side. He looked over to find his doctor holding out a glass of water. "Are you all right?" 

"Not really." Taking the offered drink, Blair sipped several times and sighed. "Thanks." 

Instead of going back behind his desk, Logan sat in the chair next to Blair's. He spoke quietly. "What do you think the dreams mean?" 

"I'm afraid to even think about it." 

"I think you have to." 

Nodding, Blair begrudgingly agreed. "I love Jim more than anything or anyone else in the world. He's the most powerful person I've ever known. I could lose myself in him if I'm not careful. The thing is, sometimes I don't want to be careful." 

"And other times?" 

"It scares me shitless." 

"Scares you so much that you want to sabotage the relationship by being unfaithful?" 

"Apparently." 

"Blair, it's not uncommon to be frightened by powerful emotions. It's up to you to decide how to deal with them." 

"I understand that." 

Logan sat back, his face serious. "Have you been keeping a journal like I suggested?" 

Scrunching his face, Blair crossed his arms, still unsettled by remnants of the dream's effect on his body. "I don't think a journal's going to help." 

"What do you think would help?" 

"A miracle." 

"Sorry, fresh out." Logan smiled weakly as he got up and stepped back behind his desk. He picked up his pen again and sat down, his expression more serious. "Let me make another suggestion." 

"What?" 

"Tell Jim how you're really feeling about the relationship. Let him know you're feeling overwhelmed sometimes. Perhaps if you shared these fears, they wouldn't cause so much anxiety and wouldn't lead to nightmares like you're having." 

"No offense, doctor, but if I could talk to Jim about all this, I wouldn't need you." 

"No offense taken." Logan paused and then tried again. "Let me ask you an important question. What is your ultimate goal in your relationship with Jim?" 

"What?" 

"What do you want out of your relationship with Jim?" 

"Is that a rhetorical question?" 

"It's a question I think you need to ask yourself. Is your fear a result of your relationship with Jim in particular or is it coming from your terror of being in a loving and committed relationship with anyone in general?" 

"I don't know." 

"I think we need to find out." 

Blair sighed heavily and leaned forward, wiping his face with both hands. "Why would I be afraid of being in love?" 

"Or more importantly, why are you afraid of being loved?" 

* * *

"What a fucking waste of time." Jim tossed the folder on his desk and sat back, his hand over his mouth, the frustration pounding in his brain. 

"Maybe we should take a break and come back to this later." Joel's calm and rational voice annoyed him. 

"What we need is a fucking break in the case." 

"Jim, settle down." The crisp tone brought his head up to meet disapproving eyes. 

"Sorry. I just can't get a handle on this thing and it's bugging me." 

"I get that." 

"We've been through every witness statement and all we've got is contradiction. One group says the man was a saint, the other an asshole." 

"And he was probably somewhere in the middle." 

"You never met him, Joel. Trust me. He was an asshole." 

Joel frowned as he leaned in. "You met this guy?" 

Jim picked up his cold coffee and grimaced at the oily bitterness. "Yeah. Once." 

"Does this have anything to do with that reference to him on the Winslow case?" 

Avoiding Joel's intense gaze, Jim shrugged. "It doesn't really matter. It's not relevant to this case." 

"How did you meet him?" 

Instead of answering, Jim deflected. "The guy was a sleaze who used his position to come on to about thirty students that we know of. We've already covered that in about half the statements from people who knew him from the university." 

"But we don't have a statement from Blair." 

Unhappy with the direction of the conversation, Jim stood up and looked down into his cup. "This stuff is nasty. I'm going to get fresh. Want some?" 

"Jim, do we need a statement from Blair about this Chambers guy?" 

"Leave it alone, Joel. Blair's not involved in this." 

As he walked away, Joel got up and followed him into the break room. As he poured himself coffee, Joel stood beside him, his voice quiet. "I'm your partner on this case. What are you holding back?" 

"Nothing relevant." 

"Trust me to be the judge of that." 

Jaw clenched, Jim straddled the chair as he sat down. "Chambers tried to harass Blair like he did those other students. Like I said, he's not involved any more than they are. What we need is to find the woman Chambers had sex with before he died." 

"So how did you meet him?" 

"I went to see him after Sandburg told me about it." 

"And?" 

"And what?" 

"What happened? Did you threaten him?" 

Eyes narrowed, Jim frowned. "Look, I'm not a suspect, Taggart. Back off." 

"Jim, you've got a connection with this guy. Does the captain know?" 

"Of course, he knows. I'm still on the case because it doesn't matter. I didn't like the prick and I told him to fuck off. I didn't kill him and neither did Blair." 

"Of course not. I just think it could look bad if we don't come up with something if people find out that you had a history with the victim." 

Jim rubbed his temples, his body even more tense. "Believe me, I'd hand over the case in a heartbeat if I could. This whole thing is giving me a damn headache." 

"You sure that's all it is?" 

Meeting worried eyes, Jim quickly looked away. "It's a tough time right now, that's all." 

"Is it Blair?" 

"It's a lot of things, Joel. I don't want to talk about it." 

Nodding in acceptance, Joel leaned in. "Just know that if you change your mind, you can talk to me, okay? I know it's rough when you first start a relationship." 

"It wasn't this tough with Carolyn." 

"You divorced Carolyn and she's nothing like Blair." 

"Good observation." 

"I get them from time to time." Joel stood up with a smile, his coffee in hand. "Okay, let's go back over those files again. This time, why don't we focus on the ones who thought Chambers was such a great guy. Let's see if we can figure out why they'd be lying." 

"Maybe they were the ones he left alone." 

"Or maybe they were the unlucky ones he got to first." 

Jim gazed sideways at his companion, appreciating the new angle. "That's a thought. They wouldn't be likely to admit what he'd done." 

"It's a theory." 

* * *

Blair sat glumly at a back booth at Larson's nursing his beer, his mind still cluttered with bits of painful conversation with Dr. Logan. 

"Mind if I join you?" 

Glancing up at the familiar voice, Blair shrugged. "Have a seat, Jake." 

Sliding in across from him, Jake put his own beer on the table. "You okay?" 

"I'm sorry about what happened, man." 

"Me, too. I was out of line." 

"Not as much as I was." 

"Okay, you win. You get the prick prize of the week." Jake slid a CD across to him and smiled. "Thought you'd still like to hear it." 

Swallowing back the raw emotion at the easy forgiveness, Blair picked up the case and ran his fingers over the plastic cover. "Thanks, man. You didn't have to do this." 

"No problem. Like I said, as soon as I heard it, I thought of you, so I burned you a copy. Maybe you can listen to it with Jim or something." 

Snorting to himself, Blair shook his head. "Jim prefers Santana. He says my music's annoying." 

"Nothing wrong with Santana, man, but this stuff rocks, too. Hell, it's the original sound, right?" 

"Yeah." Sipping some of his beer, Blair put the disk to the side and met Jake's eyes. "About what happened..." 

"Forget it. I had no business moving in like I did. Hell, I'm surprised Jim didn't show up at my door to kick my ass last night." 

"He wouldn't do that." 

"Wouldn't he?" 

"No, man, he wouldn't. He's a cop, remember? If he's going to beat anyone up, it's himself." 

"What about you?" 

"What about me?" 

"Does he ever hurt you?" 

Startled by the question, Blair studied his friend's solemn expression. "Of course not. Why would you ask that?" 

Both hands wrapped the beer bottle as the younger man spoke. "Don't take this the wrong way, man, but ever since you two hooked up, you've had more bruises than I can count." 

"That had nothing to do with Jim. I got hurt dealing with the cases. Jim would never hit me." 

"Glad to hear it, but you've still been more and more morose." 

"That's not true." 

"Sure it is. When you first moved in with this guy, what three years ago, you were a different person, happier." 

"In some ways, that's true. But in some ways I'm more happy than I've ever been." 

"Really?" 

"Really." 

Still unconvinced, Jake leaned in. "Then why the shrink, man?" 

Blair sat back, his face pale, his body still weary from his earlier session. "I told you before, Jake, the dying thing's been hard to deal with." 

"And I understand that, but it seems like it's more than that. You can't tell me you're okay, because it's obvious you're not. Ellison's a big part of that." 

"And what if he is? That's got nothing to do with you. Sure, Jim and I've got problems, but those are as much my fault as they are his, maybe more sometimes." 

"How can they be your fault?" 

Shaking his head, Blair closed his eyes briefly in cynical amusement. "You think you know me, man, but you don't, not really. Jim does and he still hangs in there." 

"You sell yourself short, Blair." 

"Listen, I appreciate the pep talk, but we've both got classes." He drained his beer and then put the glass on the table. 

As he moved to leave, Jake reached over and touched his arm. "Wait." 

"Let go, man." 

Jake released him, but spoke in an adamant hush. "It's important. Give me another minute." 

"What is it?" 

"It's about Pamela Chambers." 

Blair stayed put and leaned forward. "What about her?" 

"She's the prime suspect, right?" 

"We just want her for questioning." 

Jake shook his head and smirked. "Come on, man. The spouse is always the prime suspect. Plus, I heard she went missing." 

Growing impatient, Blair snapped, "If you know something, Jake, tell me." 

Glancing around before he spoke, Jake met Blair's eyes, his voice strained. "Listen, you didn't hear this from me, but I overheard a conversation between Johnson and Edwards." 

"How'd you do that?" 

"Doesn't matter. Anyway, I heard Johnson telling Edwards that she was putting herself and the university in a compromised position, that she should bring Ms. Chambers in for questioning." 

"So Edwards is hiding her." 

"Sounded like it. Anyway, he said something weird next. He said, Chambers couldn't stay in the woods forever, that eventually she'd have to come into town and tell what really happened." 

"What did Edwards say?" 

"Well, they were on the phone, so I couldn't tell what she said, but he told her that if she didn't do it soon, he'd go to the authorities, that he wouldn't lie for her much longer." 

Sitting back, Blair covered his mouth. "Shit, I didn't think Johnson had the balls to stand up to Edwards." 

"Me, neither. Anyway, right after that, I checked around and found out that Edwards has a cabin up in the North Woods. I figure it's possible that she's got the Chambers woman stashed away up there." 

"We didn't find any record of a cabin." 

"It belongs to her brother, John, but I know on good authority that she's got access to it." 

"And how do you know that?" 

"Edwards has a secretary who has an assistant who has a sister..." 

"I get it." Blair smiled as he held up a hand in a stop motion. "You know, you could be a cop if you wanted." 

Standing up, Jake stuffed his hands in his pockets. "That's your thing, Blair, not mine. I just did this to try to help out, to sort of make up for being such an asshole about you and Jim." 

"You weren't an asshole any more than I was." 

"Doesn't make me feel any better. At any rate, I hope this pans out and this whole Chambers mess gets straightened out soon. Maybe things can get back to normal." 

"Or whatever passes for normal in Cascade." 

"Yeah, that, too." 

* * *

"What do you mean we still don't have enough to bring her in?" 

"It's just hearsay, Jim." 

Shaking his head, the frustration flushed his skin and about cracked his jaw. "I don't believe this, Captain. What is it with this woman? Is she sleeping with the Mayor as well as his wife?" 

Simon stood up, his face tight and his voice harsh. "That's enough. There's no need to be insulting. If you want to get a warrant, we need more than some anonymous source that Sandburg dug up." 

"Simon, I told you I couldn't tell you who told me, but I trust him. This guy wouldn't lie." 

"I understand that, but it's not enough to get a warrant. We need this source to come in or better yet, go to this Johnson guy. Maybe if we lean on him, he'll crack and give us enough to get Edwards to cooperate without having to step on any toes to do it." 

"Then that's what we'll do." Jim nodded and moved to the door. He motioned abruptly for Blair to follow. "Come on, Chief. You know this Johnson better than I do." 

"I don't know if me being there's a good idea, Jim. He doesn't like me as it is. If he thinks I have anything to do with this, he might get his back up and not tell us anything just to get back at me." 

"You really believe that he dislikes you that much?" 

"I know it. He holds me personally responsible for him losing money from Ventriss for his last project. I told you how he and Edwards are working in tandem to end my involvement with the force. If I go with you now, it could just make it worse." 

"He's right, Jim. Maybe you should take Joel and do the interview." 

"Sandburg's my partner, not Joel." 

"If he's your partner, then listen to him. If he says his being there could hinder the case, pay attention." 

His back straight, Jim's eyes flashed with anger for a moment before his shoulders relaxed slightly. "You're right, sir. I'm sorry." He turned his eyes on Blair and shrugged. "I didn't mean to dismiss your call on this, Chief. This case is just making me crazy." 

"I know, man. It's been tough for all of us." Still standing by the office window, his arms crossed around his middle, Blair smiled weakly. "Besides, I can stay here and finish up some of the paperwork on the case. When you get back, hopefully we'll have something more to go on." 

Simon picked up his cup and nodded, "Sounds like a plan to me, Jim. Go get Joel and let's see if we can finally go somewhere besides in a circle. The Mayor just called again this morning. I'd love to be able to tell him we're finally making headway." 

Hesitating, Jim studied his partner, the dark shadows under his eyes worrying. "You sure you don't mind doing the paperwork? You've got your own stuff to do." 

"I know, Jim, but I don't mind. If you're not back by the time I finish, I've got plenty to keep me busy." Blair stopped and rubbed his mouth before sitting on the edge of the conference table, one foot still braced on the floor. "Look, I want to be in on this. If we can just get to Pamela, I think I can help find out what really happened. She might not trust you, but she'll trust me." 

"I'll call as soon as we have something. We might not need a warrant if Edwards knows she doesn't have much choice." 

"I'll be here." 

As soon as Jim left, Blair stood up to leave. "Just a minute, Blair." 

Turning, the younger man met dark, concerned eyes. "What?" 

"Are you okay?" 

"I'm fine. Why?" 

"You don't look fine. You look tired." 

Glancing away, Blair stepped back to stare out the window, his shoulders tense. "Jim's probably told you I'm not sleeping." 

"Yeah, he mentioned it. I hope you don't mind. I mean, he needs someone to talk to and he's not willing to go for help like you are. He's worried about you and so am I. I like to think of you both as my friends. I hope you know you can trust me." 

"I know that." Swallowing hard, Blair closed his eyes briefly. "I'm glad he has you." 

"You've got my ear, too, if you need it." 

"Thanks, but for now, I'm okay. I'm just working through some things, that's all." 

"I know this whole deal with Booker and Tate didn't help." 

Turning, Blair frowned, the mention of the harassment focusing his fear to a pinpoint. "Have they said anything else?" 

"Not to me, but that doesn't mean they're still not at it. You know we'd have a better chance to get rid of their asses if you hadn't burned the note." 

"I'm sorry about that. I explained why I did that." 

"I know you did, but it's hard knowing they think they got away with that shit." Simon stepped closer and put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm really sorry that business with the note happened." 

"Me, too, man." The sudden chill of memory took him by surprise, his whole body shuddering at the power of the written words, _fucking Jew faggot, you should die with a cross up your ass._

"Jesus, Blair, you're shaking." 

"I'm sorry." 

Strong hands guided him gently to a seat at the table. "What's wrong?" 

"It's nothing. I haven't been eating." 

A cup of hot coffee appeared in front of him. "Wait here. I'll get you a bagel or something. You're pale as a ghost. I swear to god, if you pass out on me, Ellison will never let me forget it." 

Instead of fighting, Blair let Simon go fetch the food. Closing his eyes, he dropped his head down to the table, resting his head on his folded arms. He hated remembering his own reaction to seeing those words for the first time, the cold rush of panic at the hatred behind the image. How many times had bigots done the same thing to so many people? His heart heavy, he remained quiet until Simon returned and put a plate with a fresh bagel covered with cream cheese in front of him. 

"Eat." 

"Thanks, Simon, but I'm not really that hungry." 

"That wasn't a request. You want to work here and be part of the team, you don't starve yourself and make yourself sick. Got that?" 

Reluctantly, Blair picked up one slice and took a bite, the tough, doughy texture eased by the smooth tartness of the topping. He washed it down with some hot coffee and then smiled. "Thanks. I feel better already." 

Simon crossed his arms as he stood watching, his face set in his most stubborn stare. "All of it, Sandburg." 

"Sure. I'll just take it out to Jim's desk and get started on those reports." 

A hand gripped his shoulder as he attempted to stand, forcing him to sink back into the chair. "Not a chance. Finish it here." 

"What? You don't trust me?" 

"Don't make me answer that right now. You remind me of Daryl as a kid when he didn't want to eat his liver and tried to slip it under the sink when I wasn't looking." 

"Liver? You made your own son eat liver?" 

"It was good for him. Now eat. You worry me." 

Surrendering to the brusque words edged with concern, Blair managed to consume the rest of the bagel with his coffee. Surprisingly enough, he did feel better by the time he wiped his mouth. "You can sit down now, man. I'm not going to fade away." 

"Good thing." As he settled across from Blair, he frowned. "This wasn't just about being hungry, was it?" 

"No, not really." 

"The note said more than just what Jim said it did, right?" 

"I don't want to talk about it. It's over." 

"I hope to god it is over, but I wouldn't count on it. You've got to let me know if anyone says or does anything, Blair. We can't stop it by ignoring it." 

"I'm not ignoring it." 

"You're trying to. By burning the note, you let those guys get away with something hateful. If they do anything else, I want the ammunition to stop it for good." 

Sadly, Blair met Simon's eyes, his voice stretched. "How do you stop hate, Simon?" 

"One bigot at a time, kid." 

* * *

Smug and pleased with himself, Jim waltzed into the bullpen. "Hey, Chief. Guess what?" 

"What?" 

Holding up a key, Jim smiled. "Edwards gave me directions to the cabin in the woods. Want to take a ride in the country?" 

"No shit? I thought you were only going to see Johnson." 

Joel stepped in from behind. "We were, but Edwards was just too happy to oblige when Johnson called her up and threatened to tell more than just the location of our missing Ms. Chambers." 

Blair stood up and grabbed his coat. "Man, I'd hate to be Johnson when this settles." 

Pulling out his keys to the truck, Jim handed them to Blair. "You go on down. I'm going to tell the captain." 

"You want me to drive?" 

Jim smirked. "Not likely. Just tell Malone in the garage to fill her up and I'll be down by the time he's finished." 

"Do I get a tip for the service?" 

"Sure, bring your mittens. It's cold out." 

"Funny, man." 

Jim patted his forehead and laughed as he headed for Simon's office. Blair turned to Joel. "You coming with us?" 

"No, I'm staying here. I need to type up Johnson's statement. You and Jim bring the woman in. If we're lucky, we'll have this thing closed by the end of the day." 

"It's after four, man. It's probably at least an hour out and an hour back. It's going to be a late night." 

"But at least tomorrow might start better if we can close this case." Joel stepped closer and lowered his voice. "Don't get me wrong, Blair. Jim's a great detective, but he's a little grouchy when things don't go smoothly." 

Chuckling, Blair nodded as he slipped his scarf around his neck. "Tell me about it." 

Instead of answering, Joel stepped to his desk and flipped open his notebook. Blair, still carrying his coat, detoured to the restroom instead of the elevator. A long drive in the cold required more than just gassing up the truck to be ready. As soon as he finished at the urinal, he stepped to the sink and turned on the water. The door opened and Tate walked in, Booker right behind him. 

"What do we have here, Tate?" 

"Looks like Ellison's little fuck buddy." Booker stepped in, his rough hand braced on the wall as he leaned closer. "Yep, a candyass fairy if I ever saw one." 

Catching his breath, Blair avoided the stare and turned off the faucet. "Fuck off." 

"What are you going to do, run away and tell Banks? You ratfuck. I'll have your ass if you do." 

Turning, anger surged through his body, his lungs on fire. "Are you threatening me, Booker?" 

Tate moved in behind him, his large frame blocking retreat as the younger man leaned in closer, his face leveled with Blair's. "I'm just telling you like it is, faggot. We don't want your kind here. Ellison used to be a decent cop until you showed up." 

"Get out of my way." 

"Make me." 

Struggling against panic, Blair never looked away and didn't blink, meeting the dark glare with his own passion. "You really want to lose your job over this?" 

Hands grabbed him from behind, locking his arms to his side. A hateful whisper rasped in his ear. "You're going to leave, Sandburg. This is just a taste of what's going to happen if you stay." 

The unexpected punch to the gut jarred him, the pain crippling as he doubled over. Air gone, the light faded and suddenly Jim's voice boomed in the air. "Touch him again and you're a dead man." 

The world tilted as he fell to the tiles and a chorus of voices surrounded him. Eyes squeezed shut, he listened, gasping for an easy breath as Jim and Simon both yelled and the captain jerked both Booker and Tate out of the restroom. 

Left alone, Jim held him, lifting his head and caressing his face gently. "God, Chief, are you okay?" 

"I'll be fine." 

"Fuck those assholes." Jim squeezed and rocked him, his face flushed with both rage and concern. 

Struggling to sit up, the pain faded slowly from a hard to a dull ache. "Man, this sucks, Jim." 

"I know, babe, I know." Petting back his hair, he kissed his forehead. "I'm so sorry." 

"I'm okay, Jim. Honest." Blair caught his shaking hand and brought it to his lips for a brief kiss. "Come on, man. We need to get in there before Simon loses his career, too." 

Reluctantly, Jim helped him to his feet, his world a little dizzy as he leaned against the older man for a second extra. After a few moments, Blair took a deep breath and headed out and back to Simon's office. The whole bullpen silent, the booming voice from behind the glass door came though loud and clear. Booker and Tate said nothing while Simon said it all. "I want your guns and badges. As soon as he files charges, you're suspended and going to jail." 

Gut still throbbing, Blair opened the door and walked in, Jim right behind him. Booker stared in his direction and opened his mouth to speak until Tate jabbed him in his side. "Shut the fuck up. Don't say shit until we see a lawyer." 

Jim stepped in, his face right next to Booker's. "You're a disgrace to the force, Booker." 

"I'm not the faggot, Ellison." 

"No, you're just the bigot who doesn't deserve to wear a fucking badge." 

"Enough." Simon stepped around from the desk and eyed both Booker and Tate as he physically guided Jim away. His voice took on a harsh edge, but remained steady. "Look, you two have a choice here. You can either turn in your resignations effective immediately or Sandburg can file his report. That will put you in front of IA as well as in court on assault charges. Throw in the fact that Sandburg's a civilian and that means he can also file a civil action against you for harassment. Now, that all means fines and lawsuits, plus jail time if you're convicted." Simon leaned in, his voice a near hiss. "And you will be convicted." 

Booker and Tate exchanged frightened glances. Tate cleared his throat. "Can't we talk about this?" 

"That's what we're doing." Simon stood straighter, his expression grim and stony. "The offer's only on the table right now. Resign or go to jail now and prison later. Pretty simple." 

"Do you have any idea what they'd do to cops in prison?" Booker wiped the sweat from his forehead and snarled. "Fuck this. I don't need to be part of a force full of faggots anyway." Opening his jacket, he reached for his badge and his revolver, slamming them on the desk. 

Taking a deep breath, Tate grimaced as he followed suit. "You'll have my resignation first thing in the morning." 

"Now, Tate, you and Booker both. I want the papers signed and your desks cleared before you leave." 

"I swear to god, Banks, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were a fucking queer, too." 

"You don't know better, and it's none of your business, which I believe is the whole damn point. Now, get your things and get me those resignations on the double." 

Blair kept his eyes on both men as he scooted out of the way of the door. Both pairs of eyes trained on him with pure fury. Instead of being silent, he found himself speaking. "Why are you so afraid?" 

"What?" 

"You heard me." 

"Chief, leave it alone." 

"No, man, I need to know. Why are you so afraid?" 

Tate answered first. "We're not afraid of you, you sick fuck. We just hate what you stand for." 

"And what's that?" 

"Faggot Jews who are taking over, that's what." 

"I've heard enough of this shit." 

Jim stepped in, but Simon blocked his path. "Wait, Jim. Let him finish." 

Incredulous, Jim stared at his friend and captain. "Finish what? More bullshit?" 

Tate turned and snapped back at Jim. "You used to be a good cop, Ellison. You were married for christsakes. Then this piece of shit comes along. You're going to burn for what you're doing. He's a Jew and a queer, two sins in one." 

Booker joined in. "We were trying to do you a fucking favor, man." 

Jim shook his head, his patience vanished. "Do me a favor and get your asses out of the city." 

Tate motioned to his partner to follow as he took one last glance at Blair, his face twisted in disgust. "Come on, Book. We're wasting our time here." 

As soon as the door closed, Jim wiped his face with one hand. "I don't believe this shit." 

Blair sagged down into the chair at the conference table, his muscles twitching just under the skin. "Thanks, Simon." 

"You're welcome. You okay?" 

"I will be as soon as I stop shaking." He pushed his hair back and shook his head. "How can people learn to hate like that?" 

"They're idiots, Chief." 

"But they're not, man. That's the problem." 

"You're losing me." 

"They're basically just regular people, but because of this whole gay thing, they're willing to lose their jobs. It's scary." 

Simon sat on the edge of the table and frowned. "That's the way bigotry works, Blair. I think you know that, and this wasn't just about you being gay." 

"I know. It's the Jewish thing, too." Blair closed his eyes, flashes of the holocaust and images of victims parading though his mind. "My great grandmother died in a camp." 

"I'm sorry, Chief. I didn't know that." Jim touched his shoulder and squeezed gently. 

"It's just that I keep forgetting that all that evil is still around." 

Simon sighed, his words forceful, but heavy. "We can't afford to forget, not about anything. Prejudice is something we have to fight whether it's against Jews, blacks, or being gay. We're going to win, Blair. We have to." 

Nodding, Blair patted Jim's hand still resting on his shoulder. "I left my coat in the restroom. I think I should go get it if we're going to go get Pamela." 

"You think you're still up to it?" 

Glancing first at Simon and then at Jim, Blair smiled. "I'm your partner. Try to stop me." 

* * *

Jim handed Blair a beer, watching the slumped shoulders and shadowed expression with concern. "I'm really sorry it turned out like this." Shrugging, Blair sipped and then turned from the window as he walked to the sofa. He sagged down and let his head fall against the back, his eyes squeezed shut, the beer held by both hands in his lap. "You okay, Chief?" 

"Not really." 

"At least the DA will probably just go for second degree murder instead of first. That should give her a little bit of a break." 

"Face it, Jim, she's going to spend most of her life in prison. It sucks." 

"Yeah, it does, but she did kill a man." Jim moved to sit down next to Blair, his arm stretched out over the back of the sofa just behind his partner's head. 

"I know that and we both know why." 

"Chambers was an asshole, but he didn't deserve to die." 

"I know." Blair opened his eyes and looked over at Jim, his dark blue eyes sad. "But they were married for fifteen years. It's just such a waste, you know?" 

"Yeah, it is." 

Sitting up, Blair leaned forward and put his beer on the coffee table. "You think the DA and the judge will go easier once they know what happened?" 

"It's only her word that he was being abusive, Blair. She didn't have any bruises." 

"He didn't have to hit her to be abusive. He knew exactly what buttons to push to make her feel like shit. Just like that night when he came on to me. I hated myself when I left that place. I can't imagine what it was like living with that. I had no idea he was such a complete asshole." 

"She could've just left. She could've divorced him or just stayed in Europe. It's hard to convince a jury you think bashing a man's head in is the only way to be free. Besides, if she doesn't take a plea, the DA will probably say that she knew about his promiscuity because she always made him wear a condom. They'll say she'd finally had enough and killed him in a jealous rage." 

"Probably." 

"The good thing is that you were there for her. I think she'll take the plea and come out better for it." Jim touched Blair's shoulder and squeezed gently, his voice softer. "You were a good friend, Blair. She was thinking about hurting herself before you showed up." 

Blair dropped his face to his hands. "She even had it all planned out. If we'd been just a little bit later, she would've done it." 

"I know, but we got there in time. Now it's up to the doctors and lawyers to take care of her." 

"But it was so close, man." He lifted his head and shifted in closer to Jim, his arms wrapping around the larger man, his face resting over his heart. "I never believed she'd ever end up like this." 

"We never want to think our friends can self-destruct." 

"True." Blair took a deep breath and snuggled in closer. "Man, I'm so tired." 

"It's been a long day." 

"Yeah. I think I could sleep for a week." 

"I hope not, Chief. I was thinking that with the case pretty much wrapped up, we could take advantage of Joel's cabin this weekend. Tomorrow's Friday. We could leave in the afternoon and come back either Sunday night or Monday." 

"You've still got Joel's key?" 

"And an open invitation to use it whenever we want." 

"Joel's a cool dude, man." Hugging Jim tighter, Blair kissed Jim's nipple through his shirt. "I'd love to run away with you, officer. Bring your nightstick and I'm there." 

"Nightstick?" 

Blair rubbed Jim's crotch seductively. "Yeah, man. You can use it in the day, too." 

Jim groaned to Blair's husky chuckle. "God, let's go upstairs and I'll show you a good nightstick." 

"I'm going to show you mine first, man." Blair took a deep breath and kissed Jim's jaw, his tongue licking along his neck before he latched onto his lips. Pulling back, he whispered. "I'm going to fuck you until dawn, Jim." 

Jim shuddered at the promise, the dark lust lacing the words. "And all weekend long, too?" 

"You bet. Now get your ass up to bed and I'll be right there." 

Kissing Blair first, he pressed hard, sucking in the eager tongue. Drinking in the musky heat, his brain clouded over, his lungs sluggish as he tired to speak. "I want you so much, Chief." 

"I'm yours, always. This weekend's going to be special." 

"Being with you is as special as it gets." 

Blair laughed, the sound a sultry music as he ground himself against Jim's erection. "You're too hard to be so damn mushy, man." 

Moaning at the tease, Jim's head fell back, Blair lapping at his throat. "Go upstairs and get naked. I'll be up in just a minute." 

"Come with me now, babe." 

"I have to go to the bathroom first. Just go get ready. We'll both come soon enough." Blair stood up and tugged Jim to his feet, the older man's legs unsteady. Giving him a gentle push toward the stairs, Blair then headed down the hall. Jim glanced over his shoulder at his lover, arousal dampening the light. Frowning, he turned toward his partner. "Chief. Are you okay?" 

"I'm fine. Go on up." 

"Why are you holding your stomach?" 

"It's nothing." 

Unconvinced, Jim hurried to Blair's side and jerked up the edge of his t-shirt. "Fuck." 

"It's just a bruise." 

"I hate the mother fucker." 

Blair cupped Jim's face and shook his head. "You're losing the mood, man." 

Dropping to his knees, Jim kissed the fuzzy belly, the damaged flesh warmer than the rest. He nuzzled his face there, his eyes stinging, his body shaking. Blair's hands cradled his head as he whispered, "I'm okay, Jim. Really." 

"I hate him. I hate that he fucking touched you." 

"I know, but it's okay. I'm okay. He's the one who's fucked over, not us." Blair gently rubbed Jim's head and then eased the larger man to his feet. "I just need to pee and I'll be right up." 

"I want to watch." 

"What?" 

"You heard me. I want to watch." 

Blair grinned in surprise. "You want to watch me pee?" 

"Yeah. I love how you smell." 

"Really?" 

"Really." Jim smiled as he cupped Blair's face between his hands, his beard hot against his palms. He leaned over and sniffed at his neck before licking. "You taste good, too." 

"God, I'm married to a kinky man." 

"Married being the operative word." 

"You bet." 

Nuzzling some more, Jim whispered, "I want to eat you alive." Blair stiffened, his back arched away. "What's wrong?" 

"Nothing, man. I just have to go." 

"No, it's more than that. Did I do something wrong?" 

Still wrapped in Jim's arms, Blair avoided his gaze and shook his head. "It's not you." 

"Then what?" 

"What you just said, it struck a nerve." 

"What? That I wanted to eat you alive?" As Blair pulled away, Jim held on harder. "Don't, Chief. Tell me what I did." 

Biting his lower lip, Blair closed his eyes and reluctantly relaxed against Jim's chest. He spoke quietly, the words hesitant and soft. "It's was just a bad dream I had. It was stupid. You were the panther and you ate me alive." 

"Ate you alive, as in tore you to pieces ate you alive?" 

"Something like that, yeah." 

"Fuck." Jim swallowed hard, remembering the chilling night tremors after Blair woke up from one of his nightmares. "You think I'm taking over your life, huh?" 

"I didn't say that." 

"But deep down you think it." 

"Sometimes, yeah. Maybe. I don't know." Blair hugged a little tighter, the side of his face still smashed against Jim's chest. "I love you, Jim. I want to be with you, but sometimes I need a little space, too, you know? I'm a separate person." 

"I know. I'm just a selfish bastard. I want you all to myself." 

Blair lifted his head and stared into Jim's face. "You're not selfish, man. Don't ever think that. I want you, too. We just have to set up a few boundaries, that's all." 

"How do we do that?" 

"I don't know. Talk, I guess." 

"Talk? It can't be that easy." 

"Well, one of us has to listen from time to time, too." 

"I knew there was a catch." 

Blair chuckled. "Well, we don't have to start tonight. I need to go the bathroom and then I want to communicate on a whole different level." He ground his groin suggestively into Jim's. 

Jim groaned as his cock woke up all over again. "You play dirty, babe." 

"But you like it like that." 

"Oh, yeah." 

* * *

A cool dampness still lingered in the air despite the blazing fire. Blair pulled the afghan up higher around him and sank back into the sofa, his body still stiff and little sore from the all night love-making session. He stretched, slightly drowsy, tempted to nap but not wanting to miss a minute with Jim. "Come on, man. Get over here and keep me company." 

"I thought you wanted tea." 

"I want you more." 

"I think you already had me enough. I'm standing for a reason." 

Blair laughed at the feigned petulance and sat up high enough to peek over the back of the sofa. "And I plan to give you plenty more reason before the end of the weekend." 

"You're insatiable." 

"For you, yeah." 

Jim finished pouring the tea and then brought the mugs over to Blair, handing one to his partner. "Be careful. It's hot." 

"Good, because I'm still cold." 

"How can you be cold? It's burning up in here." 

"Well, sit down and share the heat, man." 

Scooting under the coverlet, he sat gingerly and pulled Blair's bare legs over his thighs. "No wonder you're cold. You're naked." 

"I figured it'd save time in the long run." Blair walked his fingers up Jim's arm and down again. 

Chuckling, Jim explored and found his prize, Blair's cock just starting to stand up and take notice. Wrapping his palm around the growing erection, Jim drank in the rich musk permeating the air as his lover's head fell back on the pillow, his eyes squeezed shut as he moaned in pleasure. 

"Feels so good, man." 

"It's going to feel even better." 

Lifting the afghan, Jim exposed Blair's groin and then dipped his head, his tongue just flicking the satiny slit. He rounded his mouth and slowly engulfed the crown, using one hand to hold the base and the other to fondle the throbbing balls. 

Soft whimpers vibrated the air as he bobbed, Blair's hands capturing the sides of his face as he set up a rhythm, the steady motion increasing the tang flooding his tongue. Blood pulsed the veins, the cock growing even harder as the balls drew up, the quick spasm arching Blair's body as he screamed Jim's name as he came. Heated liquid sprayed his throat feeding his hunger, his need to swallow his partner's love and trust. Jim lifted his head as he licked his lips, Blair's eyes staring into his. 

Ragged breathing roughed up the words. "God, I love you, Jim. 

Leaning up and over, Jim stretched forward and kissed with a bruised and swollen mouth, his jaw aching. He pulled back and caressed Blair's face. "Love you, too." 

Arms wrapped around him and pulled him closer as Blair whispered in his ear. "Get a condom." 

Startled, Jim sat up slightly. "What?" 

"I want you to fuck me." 

"You sure?" 

"I want to know what you feel when I fuck you. I can't know that unless I let you show me." 

Still stretched out over his lover, Jim's voice softened. "You don't have to do that. I know you've been afraid of going that far. It's okay. We can wait until you're ready." 

"I'm ready now, Jim." 

"But you just came. We should wait until you've had a little more time." 

Blair stroked his face gently, his dark blue eyes even richer than usual, his voice a purr. "Make me come again by fucking me. I've done it to you. Now, you do it to me." 

"What if I can't?" 

"You can. You just have to take it slow like I did the first time with you." 

Remembering the delicious licks to his ass, the slow and tender fingering, Jim smiled. "Sure, Blair. I can do that. Get over on the bed and I'll join you as soon as I'm naked." 

"You better." Getting up, Blair hurried to the bed in the corner of the room and slipped under the covers, his body still shaking. 

Snatching the bag up from the end of the bed, Jim unzipped and pulled out the lube and box of condoms, dropping them on the blanket. He returned the bag to the floor and then unbuttoned his shirt slowly, his eyes never leaving his partner's anxious face. "Don't worry, Blair." 

"I'm not worried." 

"You look terrified." 

Jim folded his shirt and then pulled off his T-shirt before sitting on the edge of the bed to remove his shoes. Blair's hand palmed his back, his hand firm and hot against bare skin. "I'm not scared of you hurting me on purpose, Jim. I'm just afraid I'll do something stupid." 

Turning, one knee up on the bed, Jim shook his head. "Something stupid? Like what?" 

"Like I'll get part way there and have to stop. I want this to be good for you like it is for me. I'm just not sure I can take it like you can. You're so much bigger than I am." 

"Not that much bigger." Jim studied his lover's face and leaned down to kiss his forehead. "You don't have to do this." 

"I want to." 

The slight tremors in the voice worried him, but Jim recognized the determined tone. He stood up and dropped his pants and shorts before sliding under the covers as Blair scooted over to make room. Once there, lying naked chest to chest, his cock rubbed against Blair's, the heat electric. Slowly, he sniffed all along the exposed neck and then lapped the salty skin, the air thicker, his lungs already struggling to keep up. 

Blair wanted this. He wanted Blair, wanted to taste every part of him. Pulling back the blanket, he kneeled between spread legs as he leaned forward, his hands on either side of Blair's head. His tongue licked all over, his mouth nibbling the nipples, neck, and collarbone, his nose nudging armpits. His partner squirmed and moaned as he suckled his navel, the soft belly hair tickling his lips. His voice husky, he commanded, "Turn over." 

Obeying in silence, Blair flipped beneath him, his ass waiting, his thighs slick with sweat. Palming each rounded globe, he used his thumbs to part the asschecks, to find the perfect rosy pucker. Leaning in, he took a deep breath, the earthy aroma arousing. He teased the entrance with his tongue, the deep shudders urging him on, the muscles twitching. One spit-slippery thumb pressed in, opening up the tight ring, his tongue and another thumb soon to follow. Loosening up took time and he enjoyed it, each moment more and more musky, Blair's cock growing harder. Pulling back, savoring the taste of his guide, he finger fucked slowly, the low moans becoming even louder as he added some lubrication, determined to open up the hole even more before trying to mount his lover. "You like that?" 

"God, yeah. More, man. Please." 

Dazed, his mind all fuzzy with anticipation, Jim withdrew far enough to get the condom, open the package, and roll it on. He slicked it up even more, his cock hard and crying for action. "Raise your hips just a little, Chief." 

Doing as told, Blair raised himself up as Jim slipped a pillow under his groin. Using one hand to steady himself, he used the other to hold the tip of his cock as he eased into the tight passage. Muscles clenched as Blair groaned and he stopped. "You okay?" 

"Go slow, Jim. It hurts." 

"I'm trying. It's going to hurt a little, but it's going to feel better, Blair. I promise." 

"Does it always hurt?" 

"Yeah, in the beginning." Jim smoothed his palm up and down Blair's back. "I swear, it'll be worth it." Gulping loudly, Blair shifted, raising his knees higher as he pushed his ass back, his body impaling itself slowly on Jim's cock. Bright flashes sizzled the air as Jim readied himself, let Blair control his entry. Rocking against him, each shove back allowed Jim to go deeper and deeper. "That's it, babe. Come on." 

"God. You're so big." 

"I know. Just a little further. You feel so fucking hot." 

Without another word, Blair took a deep breath and increased his effort, his eyes squeezed shut, the sweat streaming down his face and slicking his body. Fire raced up and down Jim's spine as he finally buried himself completely inside his lover. Slumping forward, his body spooned over Blair's back, he kissed his ear. "God, you're so beautiful, Chief." 

"Show me, Jim." Blair twisted his neck and kissed Jim fully on the mouth as he strained the words. "Do it." 

Permission granted, Jim raised up enough to pump slowly, his cock coming almost out before thrusting back in, each forward movement working with Blair's complementary motion. Wrapping his arm around his waist, Jim palmed the younger man's leaking cock, matching his rhythm with the strokes. His mind faltered, the world too thin, his mind centered on the powerful pleasure building through his groin, up through his gut and spine. His backbone rippled and stretched, his brain swollen with need and drugged with desire. Starved lungs begged and stuttered as they bucked together. The sun exploded into wild shimmers, the velvet heat wrapping his body as he came inside his lover. Blair screamed louder than he did, his partner shuddering and jerking beneath him. Slumping down, he braced his weight up as much as he could, his arms and legs quivering. Several deep breaths later, he eased himself up and out, slipping sideways and taking off the condom to get rid of it quickly. Wiping his hands on the sheet, he pulled up the clean blanket and wrapped Blair up in his arms, his face nuzzled into his neck. 

His heart still racing, he whispered. "You okay?" 

"My god, no wonder you like it." 

Chuckling with relief and sated pleasure, Jim snuggled in closer. "Told ya." 

"You weren't lying. Fuck. We should've done this sooner." 

"Guess that means we'll probably do it again sometime, huh?" 

Blair laughed, his voice thick and husky. "We may never leave this cabin. They're going to find us here in the spring, all spent and shriveled." 

"But still going at it?" 

"Oh, yeah." 

* * *

"Dying sucks." 

Logan looked up, his hands clasped together on this desk holding his ever present pen, and nodded. "Yes, it does." 

"I mean, it's bad enough when it happens because of an accident, but when someone murders another person, well, that's just hard to understand." 

"Are we talking about your own brush with death?" 

"A little." Blair shifted uneasily, unsettled, his hand up and pushing back his hair. "I know what it's like to come so close. Plus, working with Jim and seeing so many dead bodies, well, it's given me a different perspective." 

"What perspective is that?" 

"I always knew life is precious. I just didn't realize how fragile it is. One minute you're breathing and the next, poof, you're not there." 

"Who are you talking about, Blair?" 

Frowning, Blair sat forward, the line of muscles across his shoulders taut. "Claude and Pamela Chambers. She killed her husband and came close to killing herself." He shook his head, the image of Pamela's distraught sobbing against his chest still vivid and disturbing. "I mean, what the fuck happened? Why couldn't she find a way to get out before she ended up such a mess?" 

"I don't know. I'm not really familiar with her case, but why does it upset you so much personally?" 

"She was a friend." 

"A good friend?" 

Shrugging and then sitting back, Blair crossed his arms across his chest, his heart aching. "No, not a good friend. But I thought I knew her and I didn't have a clue." 

"Some people put on a brave front, try to make people believe they're okay when they're not. Is that why it bothers you so much? Does she remind you of yourself in some way?" 

Avoiding knowing eyes, Blair turned his head toward the window. "Yeah, maybe. It's hard to let people see the truth, let them know you feel vulnerable." 

"Vulnerable in what way?" 

"I don't know, scared, I guess. I know I should focus on the good things, the blessings, and I try to do that mostly. But sometimes, well, sometimes I just find myself worried and scared about things I've got no control over." 

"Do you still panic?" 

"Not as much as I used to, though I almost had an attack last week." 

Concerned, Logan pressed. "What happened last week?" 

"Booker and Tate attacked me at the station." 

"Attacked you? You mean physically attacked you?" 

Breathing stressed, Blair nodded, his face grim as he remembered the awful reality of the moment. "Yeah. It was stupid on their part. They had to know they'd get caught, but just for a brief second I thought, fuck, they're really going to do it." 

"Do what?" 

"Kill me." 

"You thought they'd actually kill you?" 

"For a second, yeah, it crossed my mind." 

"What happened instead?" 

"We were in the restroom. Tate held me while his partner Booker hit me in the stomach. It all happened really fast and Jim and Simon were right there, but it still sucker punched me, you know?" 

"Then what happened?" 

Hesitating, forming his words with care, Blair spoke slowly, the words almost too big for his throat. "It was kind of surreal, like in a movie. Simon gave them a choice of resignation or me filing a criminal report. They resigned. But, man, they were so full of hate and it wasn't me being gay that bothered them as much as me being Jewish. I haven't dealt with that since I was ten." 

"How did that make you feel?" 

"Scared, hurt, angry, like I was a kid again." 

"What happened when you were a kid?" 

Looking up, Blair grimaced, the memory too harsh. "I hate thinking about it." 

"You're not a kid now. It's safe to think about it." 

Logic kicked in, but emotion still fought for the upper hand. "It was Sean and Mitch O'Reily and it was Easter." Blair swallowed hard as he rubbed his sweaty palms on his thighs, the denim of his jeans rough against his skin, but somehow comforting. 

"They caught me on my way home from playing in the park. Told me I crucified Jesus. I didn't have a fucking clue what they were talking about, but they took me to the woods and tied me to a tree. Then they beat the shit out of me and just left me there." 

Shaking hands tucked up under his armpits, Blair took several deep breaths, his throat dry against the reluctant drag of the words. "It was dark by the time my mom found me. She was upset and crying, but I told her it was just a game. She didn't believe me, but she never pushed it. I never told her what really happened. I was ashamed." 

"Ashamed of what? You were the victim." 

"And I hated that. I hated not being able to fight back. Later on, I figured out what they'd been talking about, about the Jews crucifying Christ. It pissed me off that someone taught that kind of hateful shit to kids, but there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it." 

"And now?" 

"Now there is. At first I wasn't sure if letting them resign was the right thing to do. I thought maybe I should've taken them to court, let the world know there are bigots still walking around looking all normal. Then I thought, no. Simon did the right thing, because they have to know that their attitudes aren't sanctioned anymore, not like they used to be." 

"At least they're gone from the police force." 

"Yeah, and that's a good thing." Blair scratched his head and then took a deep breath, desperate to change the subject. "Speaking of good things, Jim and I are getting along a lot better. We had kind of a breakthrough." 

"What kind of breakthrough?" 

"Well, I told him about being eaten alive by the panther in my dreams." 

"And his reaction?" 

"Good, actually. We've been talking more about boundaries. He still steps over the line from time to time, but he's doing better and so am I." 

"In what way?" 

"It's easier for me to say what I need and he's listening more without getting offended." 

"Sounds like progress." 

"It is." Blair glanced down at his hands, his body still tight and nervous. "We went away this weekend, just the two of us. I can't tell you how much we needed that." 

"Were you able to rest?" 

Snorting with laughter, Blair smiled, his cheeks flushed. "Not exactly. It was a great weekend though." 

Logan grinned and nodded in understanding. "Sex isn't a problem for you then?" 

"No, and I slept like a baby when we got home. That part's all good." 

"That's great, Blair. It's good to see you feeling better about the relationship, more secure." 

"I am, a lot more than I used to be. I still worry though." 

"About?" 

"About fucking up. About losing my job at the university." 

Logan frowned. "Is that a legitimate worry?" 

"Well, it's a little less likely now. Chancellor Edwards came to see me on Tuesday. She thanked me for helping Pamela and asking Jim not to press the aiding and abetting charge." 

"I don't understand." 

Blair shrugged and sighed. "Edwards helped Pamela hide after she killed her husband. She lied to Jim about it. He had every right to arrest her, but I just told him it was better to let it go. He listened for a change." 

"What about helping Pamela Chambers? How did you do that?" 

"She was going to kill herself. She had the gun in her hand when we got there." 

"You talked her out of it?" 

"Yeah. I convinced Jim to let me go in with him. She trusted me and started talking. She was exhausted. All I did was listen to the pain. She surrendered after that." Blair closed his eyes briefly before he glanced up and shook his head. "I don't know how you do it, man. It'd make me nuts to do your job." 

"It's a good job when people want your help." 

"Yeah, I guess." 

"So how does all this relate to your worry about losing your job?" 

"I told you how Edwards was pressuring me to quit working with Jim, right?" 

"Right." 

"Well, now she owes me. I'm thinking she'll back off for awhile." 

"For awhile?" 

"Well, until I fuck up again." 

"What makes you think you'll fuck up?" 

"History. All in all though, I think I'm going to be okay." 

"You mean at school?" 

"No, I mean with everything. Whatever happens, I think I can handle it now that I know where I stand with Jim." 

"And where's that?" 

"He's my partner." 

Logan sat back, his eyes focused intently on Blair. "Partner is a powerful word. What do you mean exactly when you use it in relation to Jim?" 

Blair stood up, his arms to his side, his body suddenly more relaxed. "I mean I love him and he loves me." 

"No problems then?" 

"Sure, but we're working on them together. Partners. That's what it means." Stepping towards the desk, Blair extended a hand. "I think I'm done here, Dr. Logan. I appreciate the help, but for now, I'm good." 

Standing, Logan shook his hand, the grip firm, but not too tight. "I'm glad, Blair. You know I'm always available if you ever need help again. Jim, too, if it comes to that." 

"Thanks." 

"Good luck then." 

Blair stepped to the door, his hand on the knob as he turned. "This feels weird." 

"Why's that?" 

"I'm feeling a little insecure all of a sudden, like the safety net just got reeled back to the poles and I'm going to be swinging out across the big top on my own." 

"If I didn't think you were ready, I'd say so." 

"Really?" 

"Really, Blair. Keep your mind focused on what's important to you. You'll be fine." 

Reassured, Blair nodded and walked out, his thoughts centered on Jim, on what he needed to say after the first kiss, after the first hug when he arrived home. Then he realized, being with Jim gave him all he really needed, the security he craved, the gift of both trust and love for the first time. Smiling, he headed out to meet Jim, to tell him in person about his irresistible desire to return the favor. 

* * *

Jim walked in, his senses begging to be dialed higher as he noted the candlelight and the rich aroma of fresh pasta and bread. Welcoming arms reached for him as soon as he closed the door. "Hey, Chief." 

"Hey, lover." 

The kiss warmed his lips, Blair's mouth strong and forceful, his tongue pushing in, greedy hands squeezing his ass. Relaxing, he pulled back and smiled, his cock already nagging. "Somebody's had a good day." 

"Yeah, man, a great day. Take your coat off and I'll tell you about it." 

Laughing, Jim let Blair assist him in slipping off his jacket. He also allowed Blair to guide him to the sofa, the younger man handing him a wine glass and then raising his own in a toast. "Here's to the man I love, Jim." 

"Anybody I know?" 

Blair's face softened, his deep blue eyes locked on Jim. "I love you, man. I want to make sure you know it before..." 

"Before what?" 

"Well, before anything happens." 

Frowning, Jim put down his drink before reaching out to tug Blair down beside him. Tracing his finger along his jaw, he whispered, "I know you love me, Blair. I love you, too. Nothing's going to happen." 

"We don't know that. You see people dying all the time, Jim. They die and they never get a chance to tell the people they care about how important they are. I don't want that to happen to us." 

"It won't. I promise." Jim took the drink out of Blair's hand and then put it next to his own before drawing Blair into a hug. "What brought this on?" 

"A lot of things, but mostly dying. I've been trying to figure out the point." 

"The point?" 

"Yeah, the point. Everything happens for a reason." 

"Does it?" 

"Yeah, it does. So, I kept wondering why the hell I had to die and be brought back before I could see what was right there all along." 

Jim squeezed gently, his words a hush. "And what was that?" 

"You, man." Blair lifted his head and pulled away slightly, his palm still over Jim's heart. "All my life, I've been looking for the one person who'd make it all make sense and there you were. I just had to die to see it." 

Air thinned and Jim's tongue staggered as he remembered Blair's cold lips, his limp body stretched out on the lawn. "You didn't die." 

"Yes, I did, Jim. I know what it feels like and it doesn't scare me anymore, not like it used to." 

Tenderly petting back Blair's curls, Jim sighed and then ran the back of his hand up Blair's cheek. "I'm glad you're not afraid, Chief, but you're scaring me with all this talk about dying." 

"I don't mean to. I just want you to understand why it's so important that we trust each other, that neither of us take the other for granted. We can't afford to fuck this up, Jim. I need you." 

"Do you think I take you for granted?" 

"No, but you used to. Admit it." 

"Yeah, a little." 

"And I did the same thing. It's just so easy to fall into old habits. We need to make a vow to make sure that never happens." 

Jim tilted his head and studied the earnest face staring back at him. "You want vows?" 

"Yeah." 

"How about rings?" 

"Don't make fun, man." 

Before Blair pulled away, Jim held him tighter, his passion even stronger. "I'm not kidding. I want rings and a ceremony, too. I want this to be permanent. I vow never to take you for granted and to always love you." 

Melting against him, Blair choked his words. "Are you asking me to marry you?" 

"In my heart we're already married. This will just make it official, or as official as the law will allow. I've already filed domestic partner benefit forms at the station." 

Shocked, Blair sat back. "You what?" 

"You heard me and you didn't answer the question. Will you marry me, Blair Sandburg?" 

"Of course I will. I already have, Jim." Blair shuddered and then sank against him and wrapped his arms around Jim's waist. "You know what this means. People besides our friends are going to know about us." 

"That's fine by me. We'll get the rings first thing tomorrow. Any suggestions on who can do the ceremony?" 

"Reverend Dolan's a Unitarian. He did Amy and Tasha's commitment ceremony last May." 

"We'll call him then." 

"Simon wants to be your best man." 

"Works for me. How about Joel for yours?" 

"Absolutely." Blair hesitated and then braved the words. "What about Naomi?" 

Kissing the top of Blair's head, Jim smiled. "She'll be beautiful giving you away. I'll bring the wine and hankies." 

"And Steven and your father?" 

Jim closed his eyes briefly, his heart steeled to do the right thing. "I'll call them both. If they want to come and be supportive, fine. Otherwise, I'll tell them to stay away." 

"Oh, man, I didn't expect all this tonight." 

"What did you expect?" 

Blair shrugged with a soft chuckle. "A little food, a little wine, a little romance." 

"Sounds like my kind of party, babe. No reason why we can't still do all that." 

"Well, we've definitely got something to celebrate." 

"And celebrate we will, Chief, for the rest of our lives together." Jim lifted Blair's chin and kissed his partner tenderly, the covenant between them sealed and forever sacred. 

* * *

The End

 


End file.
